11 05 2008

Today is the 5th mother’s day i don’t spend with my mom. For some reason when I woke up this morning it seemed like a chore to call her, almost like I was scared to hear that something went wrong. holidays are always hard for me, since I moved out, but specially this one..because it is about my mom..And my mom is not there anymore..at least not all of the time.

Her health is slowly deteriorating.. lately she has more good days than bad, but overall it is a combination of how she feels, what pills she takes an external situations that upset her… It is so random..ANYTHING can trigger a negative response from her..talking to her is so hard, partly because of my inability to make her understand that she can get out of this if she wanted to, partly because deep down inside I am afraid she never will..

Since I can remember she has suffered from some sort of illness, whether imagined or not… Last week the doctor told her she might have stomach cancer… i am still trying to internalize it..The fact that I’m so far away makes it worse… but at least she is aware of what is going on, and she is making changes to improve her quality of life…She stopped smoking, and recently stopped eating meat…

As a scientist I understand the connection between emotional well being and physical well being.. but growing up I could never understand that.. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we had seen it sooner, maybe we could have helped her more..

Besides all the hard times, there is no one else I would have as a mom..everything I am, whether good or bad, I learned from her… and for all the moments, failures, craziness, kisses, long nights, hospital stays, tears, moves, presents, trips, dinners, and everything in between I am grateful..

Today was a great day for her.. I have a big package for her that I’ll mail tomorrow..and maybe I will even write her a letter..Here is for more great days for her…and for her to be here for Mother’s day next year….

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