Because I need more glitter…

22 12 2008

Christmas is in two days. My favorite time of the year..For the first time in a long time, I don’t have any vacation time left to celebrate.. True, I’ve taken like 7 trips so far, and I will be leaving in two weeks for Dubai… But no real holiday time off.. For a million reasons, the whole Christmas season I was waiting for all year just didn’t happen… and I am ok with it.. This year has been one full of last minute rescheduling, of unexpected good news, of airports, and weddings, and babies, and foreign storytellers whose only purpose was to steal little pieces of my heart as they got into another airplane. In between the ever changing and the constant, in between my island and this city, in between the uncertain, the magic and the reality of my moments, I have come to a place where I am, as much as I have ever been, calm…
Yes, I still have crazy days, days where I question if this is the right decision, staying here, in this job, living this life, away from my island and everything else that happens there… where all I want to do is stay in bed, or leave everything and join the circus… But those days are less frequent; they have diminished from lasting until the day was over and I couldn’t fall back asleep at the end of the day, to fleeting moments of desperate anxiety that I am desperately trying to learn to ignore…

Maybe the Prozac I started taking a few months ago is finally having an effect, or maybe I am finally growing up and it is somehow easier to focus my energy on the important moments, the intense feelings, the essential lessons. But, after all the uncertainty I’ve been through my whole life, for the first time, I see the world from a different perspective… I am trying to “seize the day” rather than let the days pass me by in a flurry of anxious remarks and incomplete projects. Because, sometimes in a misguided attempt to hide my fears and my insecurities, I disconnect the part of myself that craves silence and poems, and I let out all the pain and anger hidden inside of me in very destructive ways… and this became almost like the way I thought things were supposed to happen, dysfunctional has always felt familiar, and we usually gravitate towards the familiar… and being aware of it has only made the process harder, because you keep wondering if there is something seriously fucked up with yourself when you keep doing things that hurt you and those around you. But moments like these, when you are wondering what the hell am I really doing here, force you to take a hard look at yourself, they are the difference between losing yourself to depression or coming out stronger. The choices I make and the way I let things determine my reactions in those moments of self doubt will determine the final outcome.

I need to remind myself to have more weekends like last one, the kind that involve Happy Hour at our usual French Restaurant, some of my favorite girls, a few hours off work Friday afternoon, 3 bottles of wine with a certain guy, cold winter mornings, coffee, smart conversations, beers, the best pizza from a box I’ve EVER had, half a movie, moving boxes, Sophie sleeping all day, and a few pictures. Those are the kind of vacations I really need. Often. Because I get to relax, and then, I can re-connect with myself, I can analyze my behavior, control my reactions, slow down my impulsiveness. Because when I can synchronize my breathing to the pace of the movements around me, I can let all the good in me shine through.

Oh.. and Happy Whatever it is that you celebrate during winter…

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