It is cold again tonight..

26 12 2008

I was just reading my blog.. Looking back, I should pay more attention to what I write… This two weeks have been hard, but tonight was especially rough.. Sometimes, when I least expect it, I say something that comes across as rude, or mean, or disrespectful. I wish I could understand the limits, that I could see when to stop, when I am crossing the line. I have gotten a lot better, yes, but it still happens. It happened tonight. With someone that I have already disappointed a few times. Someone that, on one side, I love to spend time with, but on the other, I am scared because I know I’ve done things that he is not completely happy with… and it is a weird feeling, because I, for the first time in a long time, feel some sort of real connection, like we will be friends for a long time…

I have been working non-stop all week… my plan of focusing on myself has once again become how can I make the people around me see me for what I am, how can I make them appreciate the effort I am making to be better… but how can I do this, if I don’t really know who I am? How can I ask people to trust me, when I rarely trust myself? How can let go of the anger and pain inside of me without getting other people involved?

It is almost refreshing to know that I have been here before, full of questions and doubts, and that, somehow, I got out of it.. and I got out of it learning a lesson… But lately I have been wondering what I am doing wrong… It is almost like I try so hard for people to like me, that I forgot why I like myself….and I let my ego super inflate itself, because of fears or insecurities, or god knows what, and then it happens again, I mess up.. I act like a spoiled little kid.. and honestly, who will take that seriously… All my accomplishments, the effort, the phone calls, don’t mean a lot when they know I can blow up and suddenly act like I’m five…

In many ways, I am the cause of this mess… I should know that when I am not comfortable with a situation, the only thing I can control, and in turn I am responsible for, is my reaction to it.. What I feel, how I react, what I learn…

This year has been full of ups and downs, more than any other one… Maybe because I am more aware of what is wrong, maybe because I am becoming an adult, but no matter what life throws my way, I must not lose perspective… There is a reason, a lesson, a purpose in EVERYTHING we experience.. and the best way to overcome bad karma is to learn from them and come out being better… because if not, the universe will continue putting us in the same situation, until we learn, until we understand…

So here is for a new year, full of moments and lessons, and experiences, and tears, hope, and inspiration, and for new relationships, and old ones, and the 4 babies that are joining our family, and snow days, and my island, and reason, and compassion, and morning coffee, and far away phone calls and living a life split between my reality and my perception… May we all learn the lesson the universe is trying to teach us…

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