Week one down, 51 to go…

11 01 2010

Last year ended wrapped in emergency work, old friends, a new boy, an amazing dinner, a dive bar, and resolutions… This year has just started, and I have barely managed to get through the days. An insane work schedule, wishes of being somewhere else, late night goodbyes soaked in beer, trip planning to spend time together, and Sophie getting horribly sick… But I am taking it all in, the good with the busy, the sweet with the friday night emergency room visits, the distance with the late phone calls, the hangovers with the morning breakfast. And I am sticking to my resolutions, taking more pictures, being a better friend, letting go of fears, exploring my feelings, enjoying the little things. Because in the end, that is what it is all about, the little things, the foreign songs finally translated, the text messages to keep in touch, the emails asking for my advice, the conversations over lunch about relationships, the two year old boy who stole my heart and my cookies, walking through Santa Monica holding hands, the memories that we share, the stories of friends reunited again, the late night pizza, the tears, the constant wishing that he was here for one more day.

I spent time with some amazing people, I got closer to others, and I fell in love with my Polaroid all over again. I shared secrets, ideas, cigarettes, and stories, and I saw myself as a stronger, wiser person, as one that can take on anything, one that understands her limitations, one that constantly fights against them. I opened up to the possibility of uncertainty, and for the first time, slowly eased into it, replacing the anxiety of the unknown with the quite whispers of the sunsets. Breathing in the serenity of not wanting to have it all, right now. Understanding that the process is as necessary as the end result, and enjoying every minute for what it is, without having to ask what will come next.

Sunrise





Thankful…

28 11 2009


For foggy mornings and chilly winters, for transatlantic flights, and cabins in the mountains. For girlfriends and boyfriends, and french wine, and birthday kisses, and a fireplace to light up. For the moments, and the pictures, and the phone calls, and the hugs that bring comfort, and the uncertainty of Sundays. For morning coffee and the rainy season, for music, for rainbows, for spontaneous  trips to San Francisco. For family time, and dog park visits, and toothpaste, and collections. For vintage shopping, and farmer’s markets, for L A weekends, and learning Hebrew. For friends that love you, and those who left you, for good advice, and bad decisions. For helping others, and sharing stories, for polaroids, for the beach I live on. For changing seasons, for the right reasons, for love letters, for meditation. For foreign movies, and foreign kisses, for beachside sunsets, for whom to share them. For the future, for the lessons, for the recipes, for goodnight kisses. For new jeans, and old books, and for airports, and the circus.

For what will come, for what I need, for what I wish for, for what I’m given.





I am one of the lucky ones.

11 11 2009

“A man’s reputation is what other people think of him; his character is what he really is.”


DSC_0094edvin

My strength is not a direct result of caring, encouraging parents, but rather of years of uncertainty and questions, of tears and loneliness and risks, of realizing at a very young age that the only one that could take care of me was, well me.

I’ve spent a lot of time, and therapy hours, trying to understand who I am and how I want to live my life.  My life experiences have brought me here, and I try to see the negative ones as the path to become the person I want to be. Because of this, not many people know what was really going on.  For example, I’ve had people criticize the way I have distanced myself from my parents, how I talk, or not talk, to them.

Most of the time, these questions are based on what they have seen. They don’t know the background story. And life has taught me that when the intentions are good, I must open my heart and listen. But sometimes, people perceive things about me that are not part of my reality, but merely a reflection of their insecurities.

Recently I’ve had to deal with people judging me based on assumptions. These are girls I know, one more than the other, rather well. And yes, I know they have, like everyone, issues, doubts, insecurities. But they have projected them towards me, judging me, making assumptions, telling others, cutting contact. And you know what? it sucks.

I know that I can be, not only overwhelming, but intimidating at times. I am strong, driven, and have my own set of rules. And sometimes this is, subconsciously, seen as a threat. Your brain is following a primal reaction; sending subtle messages of threat, do not trust. But this happens to everyone, it is our conscious that determines the validity of those signals. Now, when insecurities, doubts, frustrations, and jealousy are filters through which our conscious perceives those signals, our opinion on the matter is not real, or at least it is not in agreement with our collective reality.

When I learned about what they were saying, of what they though of me, I was very surprised. In both situations their opinion of me changed completely based on events that never took place. I don’t usually care much what others might think of me, as you probably realized by now, I’ve been dealing with situations like these my whole life. But these are girls I really liked, girls that I felt comfortable with, and whose friendship was something I really enjoyed because I could see the potential of us becoming really close. And here they are, judging my character without even giving me the benefit of the doubt, without hearing my side of the story.  That made me question how important was our friendship for them. I struggled with this, because, well, it hurt me a little.

I talked to one of them a week ago, a chance encounter, and I explained my side, told her how important her friendship was for me, and left it at that. I have also learned that I can’t change how a person thinks, acts, or what they want. I can only control how I react to it. We are fine, but there will always be an underlying layer of what happened. I hope she can look past it and we can be friends again.

The other girl, well, I don’t even know if I should. It seems that she has formed an opinion of my character, based on 4 or 5 facts, which she feels strongly about. I don’t want any hard feelings, anyone feeling betrayed, upset, disappointed by things that I didn’t do, for stories they heard from 4th persons. I can only hope we have the opportunity to clear things out, even if she sticks to her opinion of me.  Because that would be fair, for both of us.

Like I said, life has brought me here after all, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I have no regrets; I’ve learned my lessons. I guess I really am one of the lucky ones.





Goals, because I might forget…

5 11 2009

I started taking a class, about blogging and scrapbooking… I know, I know, I barely have time. But, see, I’ve slowly learned that you have time for what you make a priority. There is always time. I mean, I live alone, with a very tiny dog, and work is, well, kinda slow. And besides, I read somewhere that to really master everything, you need to spend at least 10,000 hours doing it. So if I want to learn to prioritize, I better get going…
New class

Goals, in no specific order…
1. Write more often, write better. About everything, life, plans, ideas, lovers, hangovers… Because honestly, I have a million stories to tell.
2. Workout consistently. Because when I do I let all the stress out, because it makes me stronger, because it keeps me sane.
3. Pay more attention. Because we all know focusing is not one of my strengths.
4. Keep learning. About myself, about others, about life. And put those lessons to good use.
5. Be more organized. Because well, it is never fun losing your keys for the 20th time this week.
6. Remember to breathe.

So, now that I have made clear what I want to do, I just need to figure out how to do it consistently. I am sure that like all my lists, this one will continue growing over the next few months. The plan is to be ready, for when the year ends, for when the unexpected happens, for capturing the good memories, for when boys need to be forgotten, for when the weather gets colder, for when a new love walks in..





Doesn’t mind carrying a few choice pieces of baggage so she has a conversation starter in almost any social situation

1 11 2009

Baggage

I drink too much coffee. I miss too many people. I say too many swear words. I laugh at too many inappropriate things and keep quite when I shouldn’t. I personalize songs all the time. I spend too much time online. I’m not as good as I should be. I could be a better person, sister, friend, artist, student, than I am. I rarely exercise. I never finish my to do lists. I refuse to be bored. I get angry too fast. I skip breakfast often. I am not so good at taking my own advice. I like too many things. I have an insane crush on Anderson Cooper. I am complicated and funny and smart. I do not like sleeping alone. I want to travel the world. I have to brush my teeth if I wake up at night. I am impulsive. I’d rather get burned than not try. I spend too much time cultivating my vices. I talk too fast. I am constantly looking for answers. I am not a patient person. I want a man who smiles when he talks about me. I wish my brain had a map to tell me where my heart should go. I take too many pictures. I am passionately curious. I am constantly falling in love with stories and reasons and airports.  I struggle with uncertainty, and I believe that a life without wine is not worth living. I am a collector. I’m a little bruised, slightly broken and permanently scarred, but I’m still here, aren’t I? I’m still fighting; I’m still waking up everyday to go through it all over again. And I know there is someone out there looking for someone just like this.





Because change is inevitable…

29 10 2009

Nothing remains the same for long. Knowing this makes harder times more bearable, while at the same time, it makes us stop and enjoy the good moments. Lately, a lot of changes have taken place in my life. Suddenly things are very different than what they were 3 months ago. Good, but different nonetheless. Oliver is gone, along with the summer. The warm evenings have been replaced by cold nights. The fog covers everything in the mornings, which, if it weren’t for the hot espresso I know is waiting on the other side of the house, would make waking up almost unbearable.

The people in my life have changed. Some are holding onto old grudges for no apparent reason, others have shown me exactly how much I can count on them, in case there was any doubt. Some of them have been lucky enough to be facing exciting times, times of renewal and learning and new experiences.  Others have been lucky enough to be dealing with uncertain times, the kind of times that makes you ask questions and look inside yourself, to face your fears; you learn to let go, to pay attention, to breathe.

I have changed. My reasons, priorities, questions, decisions, intentions, desires, they have changed. I am focusing more energy in the positive, in spending time with the ones that matter, in keeping myself in check, in taking breaks of the kind that renew your spirit and cleanse your soul.

Sometimes, it is not change what scares us, but losing the memories, missing the opportunities, forgetting the lessons, making a mistake. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And progress is only made when we keep moving, when we adapt.

Sometimes, change is everything we need.

Amoeba





Last night I went running…

30 09 2009

The silence that surrounded me felt surprisingly comforting. The sea next to me, its lack of blue hidden by the darkness, brings smells of home, of far away places. As I run, trying to focus on my breathing, on my speed, on my muscles, I remember. And suddenly I am distant. Somewhere else. If it weren’t for the fog, I could be anywhere. And my pace increases, and my thoughts drift, and race through my head, one triggering the next. The smell of the ocean, sunsets in San Juan, times with old friends, sunrises in Tel Aviv, coffee with myself, this same beach, him there with me.

And suddenly I rush back, gasping for air. It feels like autumn, and the air is heavy, and for the first time in many days, I notice his absence. And I let it embrace me for a moment, and on the edge of hurting and wanting, I recover. Maybe it was the wind coming from the Pacific, or that my run was almost over, or maybe the feeling of possibility that comes with every change of season. In any case, I felt better, awake, happy, at peace. And I did the only thing I could at the moment, while running in the dark, with the smell of the sea around me. I gathered all those feelings and sent them to him inside a cloud, surrounded by the songs and kisses we used to share.