I am one of the lucky ones.

11 11 2009

“A man’s reputation is what other people think of him; his character is what he really is.”


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My strength is not a direct result of caring, encouraging parents, but rather of years of uncertainty and questions, of tears and loneliness and risks, of realizing at a very young age that the only one that could take care of me was, well me.

I’ve spent a lot of time, and therapy hours, trying to understand who I am and how I want to live my life.  My life experiences have brought me here, and I try to see the negative ones as the path to become the person I want to be. Because of this, not many people know what was really going on.  For example, I’ve had people criticize the way I have distanced myself from my parents, how I talk, or not talk, to them.

Most of the time, these questions are based on what they have seen. They don’t know the background story. And life has taught me that when the intentions are good, I must open my heart and listen. But sometimes, people perceive things about me that are not part of my reality, but merely a reflection of their insecurities.

Recently I’ve had to deal with people judging me based on assumptions. These are girls I know, one more than the other, rather well. And yes, I know they have, like everyone, issues, doubts, insecurities. But they have projected them towards me, judging me, making assumptions, telling others, cutting contact. And you know what? it sucks.

I know that I can be, not only overwhelming, but intimidating at times. I am strong, driven, and have my own set of rules. And sometimes this is, subconsciously, seen as a threat. Your brain is following a primal reaction; sending subtle messages of threat, do not trust. But this happens to everyone, it is our conscious that determines the validity of those signals. Now, when insecurities, doubts, frustrations, and jealousy are filters through which our conscious perceives those signals, our opinion on the matter is not real, or at least it is not in agreement with our collective reality.

When I learned about what they were saying, of what they though of me, I was very surprised. In both situations their opinion of me changed completely based on events that never took place. I don’t usually care much what others might think of me, as you probably realized by now, I’ve been dealing with situations like these my whole life. But these are girls I really liked, girls that I felt comfortable with, and whose friendship was something I really enjoyed because I could see the potential of us becoming really close. And here they are, judging my character without even giving me the benefit of the doubt, without hearing my side of the story.  That made me question how important was our friendship for them. I struggled with this, because, well, it hurt me a little.

I talked to one of them a week ago, a chance encounter, and I explained my side, told her how important her friendship was for me, and left it at that. I have also learned that I can’t change how a person thinks, acts, or what they want. I can only control how I react to it. We are fine, but there will always be an underlying layer of what happened. I hope she can look past it and we can be friends again.

The other girl, well, I don’t even know if I should. It seems that she has formed an opinion of my character, based on 4 or 5 facts, which she feels strongly about. I don’t want any hard feelings, anyone feeling betrayed, upset, disappointed by things that I didn’t do, for stories they heard from 4th persons. I can only hope we have the opportunity to clear things out, even if she sticks to her opinion of me.  Because that would be fair, for both of us.

Like I said, life has brought me here after all, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I have no regrets; I’ve learned my lessons. I guess I really am one of the lucky ones.

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because, somedays all I want to do is party

13 04 2009

Daphna finished her PhD, and turned 30, all in the same month… and to celebrate we all went to a party at Nirvana, a beautiful hang out spot in Beverly Hills… God I love my girls..

two of my extremely beautiful and successful friends

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And I have been saving some serious inspiration lately… and creating… out of the 375projects I have going on, Operation get your shit together is in full swing… I am working intensely on being more organized, on reducing my stress, and more importantly, on not losing ANY MORE credit cards… btw, last week, I got this

Yes.. I am in love…