Because film is always better…

27 01 2010

It has been raining for more than a week, and there are leaves and mud everywhere.  And as I wake up, wrapped in the warmth of the fireplace, I notice the sun finally shinning.  Last night, maybe because of the tea, or maybe the lack of alcohol, I had a dream I can’t remember, but I suddenly feel a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in a while.  I look outside, and the world seems huge and full of possibility, I take a breath, feed the dog, make some coffee. Everything is constantly changing, and the calm that surrounds me is deep and quite, and the snow has covered the mountains, and standing here on this beach, I feel strange and surreal, almost like part of a movie whose script I didn’t approve, but one I’m starting to like anyways.

Holga SLR

I’ve been writing more letters, and I am still taking pictures, and if only I could pay more attention when I am making breakfast I would have used less peanut butter and more apples, less milk and more inspiration. I’ve been making decisions, and rethinking my options, and if I could only find someone to share more stories I would have less fighting, more sunny Sundays, less drama, more beers, and less expectations.





I am one of the lucky ones.

11 11 2009

“A man’s reputation is what other people think of him; his character is what he really is.”


DSC_0094edvin

My strength is not a direct result of caring, encouraging parents, but rather of years of uncertainty and questions, of tears and loneliness and risks, of realizing at a very young age that the only one that could take care of me was, well me.

I’ve spent a lot of time, and therapy hours, trying to understand who I am and how I want to live my life.  My life experiences have brought me here, and I try to see the negative ones as the path to become the person I want to be. Because of this, not many people know what was really going on.  For example, I’ve had people criticize the way I have distanced myself from my parents, how I talk, or not talk, to them.

Most of the time, these questions are based on what they have seen. They don’t know the background story. And life has taught me that when the intentions are good, I must open my heart and listen. But sometimes, people perceive things about me that are not part of my reality, but merely a reflection of their insecurities.

Recently I’ve had to deal with people judging me based on assumptions. These are girls I know, one more than the other, rather well. And yes, I know they have, like everyone, issues, doubts, insecurities. But they have projected them towards me, judging me, making assumptions, telling others, cutting contact. And you know what? it sucks.

I know that I can be, not only overwhelming, but intimidating at times. I am strong, driven, and have my own set of rules. And sometimes this is, subconsciously, seen as a threat. Your brain is following a primal reaction; sending subtle messages of threat, do not trust. But this happens to everyone, it is our conscious that determines the validity of those signals. Now, when insecurities, doubts, frustrations, and jealousy are filters through which our conscious perceives those signals, our opinion on the matter is not real, or at least it is not in agreement with our collective reality.

When I learned about what they were saying, of what they though of me, I was very surprised. In both situations their opinion of me changed completely based on events that never took place. I don’t usually care much what others might think of me, as you probably realized by now, I’ve been dealing with situations like these my whole life. But these are girls I really liked, girls that I felt comfortable with, and whose friendship was something I really enjoyed because I could see the potential of us becoming really close. And here they are, judging my character without even giving me the benefit of the doubt, without hearing my side of the story.  That made me question how important was our friendship for them. I struggled with this, because, well, it hurt me a little.

I talked to one of them a week ago, a chance encounter, and I explained my side, told her how important her friendship was for me, and left it at that. I have also learned that I can’t change how a person thinks, acts, or what they want. I can only control how I react to it. We are fine, but there will always be an underlying layer of what happened. I hope she can look past it and we can be friends again.

The other girl, well, I don’t even know if I should. It seems that she has formed an opinion of my character, based on 4 or 5 facts, which she feels strongly about. I don’t want any hard feelings, anyone feeling betrayed, upset, disappointed by things that I didn’t do, for stories they heard from 4th persons. I can only hope we have the opportunity to clear things out, even if she sticks to her opinion of me.  Because that would be fair, for both of us.

Like I said, life has brought me here after all, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I have no regrets; I’ve learned my lessons. I guess I really am one of the lucky ones.





Doesn’t mind carrying a few choice pieces of baggage so she has a conversation starter in almost any social situation

1 11 2009

Baggage

I drink too much coffee. I miss too many people. I say too many swear words. I laugh at too many inappropriate things and keep quite when I shouldn’t. I personalize songs all the time. I spend too much time online. I’m not as good as I should be. I could be a better person, sister, friend, artist, student, than I am. I rarely exercise. I never finish my to do lists. I refuse to be bored. I get angry too fast. I skip breakfast often. I am not so good at taking my own advice. I like too many things. I have an insane crush on Anderson Cooper. I am complicated and funny and smart. I do not like sleeping alone. I want to travel the world. I have to brush my teeth if I wake up at night. I am impulsive. I’d rather get burned than not try. I spend too much time cultivating my vices. I talk too fast. I am constantly looking for answers. I am not a patient person. I want a man who smiles when he talks about me. I wish my brain had a map to tell me where my heart should go. I take too many pictures. I am passionately curious. I am constantly falling in love with stories and reasons and airports.  I struggle with uncertainty, and I believe that a life without wine is not worth living. I am a collector. I’m a little bruised, slightly broken and permanently scarred, but I’m still here, aren’t I? I’m still fighting; I’m still waking up everyday to go through it all over again. And I know there is someone out there looking for someone just like this.





Because change is inevitable…

29 10 2009

Nothing remains the same for long. Knowing this makes harder times more bearable, while at the same time, it makes us stop and enjoy the good moments. Lately, a lot of changes have taken place in my life. Suddenly things are very different than what they were 3 months ago. Good, but different nonetheless. Oliver is gone, along with the summer. The warm evenings have been replaced by cold nights. The fog covers everything in the mornings, which, if it weren’t for the hot espresso I know is waiting on the other side of the house, would make waking up almost unbearable.

The people in my life have changed. Some are holding onto old grudges for no apparent reason, others have shown me exactly how much I can count on them, in case there was any doubt. Some of them have been lucky enough to be facing exciting times, times of renewal and learning and new experiences.  Others have been lucky enough to be dealing with uncertain times, the kind of times that makes you ask questions and look inside yourself, to face your fears; you learn to let go, to pay attention, to breathe.

I have changed. My reasons, priorities, questions, decisions, intentions, desires, they have changed. I am focusing more energy in the positive, in spending time with the ones that matter, in keeping myself in check, in taking breaks of the kind that renew your spirit and cleanse your soul.

Sometimes, it is not change what scares us, but losing the memories, missing the opportunities, forgetting the lessons, making a mistake. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And progress is only made when we keep moving, when we adapt.

Sometimes, change is everything we need.

Amoeba





Last night I went running…

30 09 2009

The silence that surrounded me felt surprisingly comforting. The sea next to me, its lack of blue hidden by the darkness, brings smells of home, of far away places. As I run, trying to focus on my breathing, on my speed, on my muscles, I remember. And suddenly I am distant. Somewhere else. If it weren’t for the fog, I could be anywhere. And my pace increases, and my thoughts drift, and race through my head, one triggering the next. The smell of the ocean, sunsets in San Juan, times with old friends, sunrises in Tel Aviv, coffee with myself, this same beach, him there with me.

And suddenly I rush back, gasping for air. It feels like autumn, and the air is heavy, and for the first time in many days, I notice his absence. And I let it embrace me for a moment, and on the edge of hurting and wanting, I recover. Maybe it was the wind coming from the Pacific, or that my run was almost over, or maybe the feeling of possibility that comes with every change of season. In any case, I felt better, awake, happy, at peace. And I did the only thing I could at the moment, while running in the dark, with the smell of the sea around me. I gathered all those feelings and sent them to him inside a cloud, surrounded by the songs and kisses we used to share.





Because it bears repeating…

25 09 2009
August 1986

August 1986

I grew up in an extremely uncertain environment. An environment where the lines between personal boundaries were blurred, responsibility was not required, and your feelings were always under the ever judgmental eye of my mother. From this, besides amazing survival skills, I developed a sense that the world could end at any minute, that I could trust no one, that I needed to be taking care of someone else to be happy. So to say that I had problems with relationships is an understatement. Not only I was not happy, I just didn’t know how to manage. My perception was fogged by the countless filters I inherited from my parents.

Occasionally, and without warning, I tend to revert to those old habits. It is amazing how even little similitudes can trigger a chain of events, full of thoughts and feelings and reactions that have absolutely nothing to do with who I am today, with the person I want to become. My skewed perception of the world, and my inability to trust no one made me see things in such a bad light that I would allow thoughts to take over my day, obsessing over them and the reasons behind them. Thoughts that would create a general sense of feeling a wide range of emotions, from confusion, to anger, in a few hours. Reactions to those feelings that went from pretending this wasn’t real, and let’s move on, to a full on confrontation, which more often than not ended in me storming out of the room, or the country, or their lives.

Then everything changed. I was living a completely different life. Suddenly, I am an adult, and I have huge responsibilities, which I have to attend to wether I feel like it or not. I found myself forced to deal with reality in order to survive. Something I wasn’t happy with was with my relationships in general. I was not the friend I expected my friends to be. And don’t even get me started on boys. So I decided to spend time with myself, thinking about what I could do to make it better. Things were rough in the beginning. It was a huge learning process. But they improved, I improved. I got to a place where I can say that I have very strong relationships with a lot of people that are very important to me. And regarding boys, well. I tried to avoid them for a while, maybe unknowingly. Deep down inside I knew that I wasn’t ready.

Lately I have been spending a lot of time with someone. Someone funny and complicated and creative and inspiring. Someone that has pushed my limits, who makes me want to be better, someone who, so far, has managed my outbursts. Someone who is not afraid to tell me things as they are, to call me out when I am crossing the line, to tell me I am right when I am. Amazingly, I’ve handled this better than what I thought.

But, because I am constantly working on improving all these learned mechanisms to deal with life that limit me, I have to be honest. It still happens, I still get those thoughts. The main difference is that now I am aware. Awareness has made it all good. What used to be a never ending chain reaction of events has become a fleeting moment. Being aware, of the moment, of who I am, of what I want, of what is really happening, and sometimes, aware of if it is even worth getting caught up in a mess. Being aware helps me stop, think and then act.

Yes, the old filters are still around, and they show up from time to time, will all the questions, the doubts, the extremely unmerited reactions from my part. It has been hard to identify what triggers them now, but in the past they were mostly brought upon by uncertainty, or when I was caught up in the wide space that was between what I expected and reality. So I learned to let go of expectations, implementing a wait and see approach, working on developing patience, so that, ultimately, I could be comfortable with uncertainty.

I don’t know where this new adventure will lead me. But for the first time in my life, I am enjoying it for what it is. And whenever I make a mistake, and fall into the traps of my old self, I acknowledge it, and move on.





since everyone seems to be celebrating biblical tragedies this week…

10 04 2009

I need to ponder on the happiness that surrounds me.. on the unexpected, the moments, the friendships, the lessons… but first, this is what has been going on…

Maddox

He is beautiful…Can’t wait to meet him in a few weeks when I go back home..

We are still getting adjusted to Oliver being home.. well, I am, because Sophie has adapted extremely well.. School is going ok, for the most part… and it is already Passover…

It may be the antidepressants talking, but this weekend is full of possibility..

On my list:

  1. Print new pictures
  2. Take the dogs on a long walk
  3. Yoga
  4. Organize the scraproom
  5. Engineering Economy Homework… ufff
  6. Set up my new typewriter
  7. Go to the beach
  8. Spend a few hours learning Dreamweaver…
  9. Have coffee by the fireplace while watching new movies from Netflix..
  10. Saturday Morning Farmer’s Market shopping

So here it is.. although considering my ADD I might only get a few of those things done.. but it will not matter, because it is Friday, and somehow, for the next 60 hours, work will not be controlling my life…